I was lost but now am found (...again)

It is a very human experience, but it can often feel like you are the only one.

On the morning of September the 9th Kieth stepped out of his front door and headed to the train station.

The sun was shining but it couldn’t quite penetrate the patches of fog creeping across the cracked pavement.

He tried to ignore the feeling of dread welling up inside of him. He did not want to go to work. He had considered quitting many times but what then?

He would have to look for a new job. Applications. Interviews. Rejections. This was not something Kieth felt strong enough to deal with right now.

The train whistled into the station and Keith crammed himself in with the 100’s of other commuters  on their way to work.

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I’ve gone through periods of feeling very lost in life. The feeling of floating aimlessly with no direction is very uncomfortable.

I’ve always hated the unknown and not being able to control what’s next. But if we’re honest this is something which non of us can do.

Non of us knows what’s coming and no one can avoid change.

I come from a generation which has been labeled as craving meaning and purpose - The millennials. I would say I definitely fall into that camp.

My search for meaning led me on many journeys but ultimately I arrived at trying to find meaning through my work.

This is not a special or unique experience, in many ways it is a very human experience, but it can often feel like you are the only one. I feel like I have found my purpose but I fully expect to feel lost again in the future. Life is cyclical. So that’s why I’m sharing this here.

Just like Keith many of my mid-lifer friends are struggling with this feeling, especially when it comes to work.

• Do I actually like what I’m doing?

• Is it too late to start something new?

• Should I just stick it out and stay with what I know?

I’d like to offer a different perspective, but first a bit of context.

I remember when I got my first full-time job at a large multinational. I had been lost for some time and it was just a relief to finally have a steady income.

It was actually freeing to not have to constantly obsess about whether I was doing something noble or something which was truly aligned with my values.

While finding fulfilling work eluded me, I got a job where I was earning good money and I poured everything into it. I got a promotion and salary increase every year for the next 7 years and it felt great.

I was striving to improve. To become a better version of myself. I had this momentous feeling of upward trajectory. My progress felt linear. And then I got recruited by another company. It really felt like I was going somewhere. Like my life had a solid purpose.

But somewhere along the way I started to question things. I looked at my manager, the position that I would have if I decided to go for the next promotion, and I realised I didn’t want it.

The job was all consuming leaving me no energy outside of work to do anything else. On days off I became increasingly aware that I had very little personal life outside of work. I began to feel empty and hollow.

Slowly but surely I came to the horrifying realisation that I was on the wrong track. Somewhere about 7 years ago I stood on that cold platform with Keith and got on the wrong train.

I was now in a foreign place that did not appeal to me and I couldn’t find a way out. After much painful deliberation and soul searching I got off the train and alighted at mid-life crisis station.

I quit that job leaving all the money and status that it provided and went in search of a simpler life. That was three years ago. Which brings me to today.

I am no longer interested in climbing the career ladder all the extra money and status is not worth the time and stress you have to pay in exchange for this.

A different way to look at work

For the longest time I thought that the work you do should be a source of meaning and purpose. I’m not so sure this is the case anymore.

Recently I came across some profound ideas taken from the Book Happy by Derren Brown. In a section on work he details that:

The idea that work was supposed to give us happiness and a sense of meaning actually comes from Marx.

This was a new concept at the time. It arose as a reaction against capitalism, which is kind of ironic given the fact that it is now very much woven into the capitalist narrative.

So many of us talk about working non-stop as if it were something to be admired. An aspiration that everyone should be striving to achieve.

Employment is no longer merely a means to an end, as it was in pre-Enlightenment days; it is now supposed to be a source of happiness in and of itself.

It seems so self-evidently preferable to enjoy your work, and to draw a sense of meaning from it, that it sounds bizarre to question the idea.

Alan Watts made the point that it is absurd to work at something you don’t enjoy, purely to make more money.

While I agree with that wholeheartedly for the vast majority of human history it did not occur to people that they were supposed to enjoy their work.

Our daily employment does not need to be our identity. It’s a wonderful bonus to do what you enjoy, but it’s not necessary.

Far more important is knowing how to navigate the difficulties and disappointments in life and work, without setting up a romantic ideal of a ‘perfect job’; it’s no more helpful or realistic than setting up the ideal of a perfect partner.

What counts is not the work but our relationship to it.

Schopenhauer, ascribed far more importance to  leisure. The ideal he describes  is to be wealthy enough to have expansive free time and the intellectual capabilities to fill it with contemplation and activity in the service of mankind.

It may not be our work but rather what we do with the rest of our time that gives us our true sense of worth.

We might choose to identify far more with our hobbies, or the daily demands and rewards of trying to be a good-enough.

The Romantic legacy, reinforced by any number of novels and films,  encourages us to believe that we should seek out magical solutions to our feelings of isolation; that some magical ‘other’ is available to us in the form of a perfect partner, or perhaps a perfect job, to complete us and leave us feeling fulfilled.

So what is the point of all this? What is Derren Brown getting at?

Well the key takeaway for me is what counts is not the work but our relationship to it.

Your work does not define you and it cannot complete you. You are more than what you do. This might sound blatantly obvious but in a culture which tries to create workaholics this is something which needs to be said.

Too many people are trying to either find themselves or bury themselves in their work. This is something I’ve come to understand on a deep emotional level over the past two years.

I guess I would agree with Schopenhauer. I have reached a stage in life where I value my free time infinitely more than I used to and I want to make the most of it.

Writing these letter gives me a sense of purpose. Recording my thoughts on paper and hopefully making something which you appreciate gives me joy. But this is just a tiny part of my life. It does not complete me.

If you are lost or stuck just know that it’s perfectly normal at any age. It’s part of life. It means that you are a human being.

Follow your interests. Read up on topics that are bothering you. Look for solutions. But just know that it’s not always about solving problems. Sometimes it’s about living with them.

Have new experiences, spend time with friends and things will get clearer as time goes by.

Thanks for reading and enjoy the rest of your day.

Benjamin