How to turn envy into aspiration
Social comparison is human nature. Learn how to leverage it.
The other day I was scrolling through notes and started to feel a familiar pang - envy.
I saw dozens of notes with hundreds of likes and comments. Writers who started around the same time as me going exponential.
I’m happy for them but, if I’m honest, sometimes I kind of loath them.
Why can’t I grow as fast as them? What am I doing wrong? Is it me?
If you find yourself entering this negative spiral of self doubt it’s time to stop and take a break.
When starting out it’s easy to think that you just need to reach a certain number of subscribers, likes, views, money etc to escape comparison velocity.
But the thing with comparison is that it is extremely adaptable. Whatever you achieve there will always be someone else who is achieving more at a faster rate.
Social comparison
It’s a trait that has become heavily associated with instagram and is perpetually painted in a negative light.
People will tell you to avoid comparing yourself to others but this where they go wrong.
Social comparison is human nature. It has been baked into our nervous system over hundreds of thousands of years of evolution.
To try to resist this is to fundamentally misunderstand human nature and it will make you miserable.
We all do it, whether consciously or not, to lead a social life, which is by definiton a human life, is to compare yourself to others.
Repression whether socially or individually never works. The path to transformation leads first through the valley of self acceptance.
You might find this controversial but we should lean in to social comparison not avoid it.
The thing to understand here is that social comparison doesn’t have to be negative.
You can actually turn these feelings of envy, guilt and worthlessness into feelings of aspiration, motivation and hope.
Instead of trying to limit, avoid or cut out something which is part of our DNA we should embrace it.
So how do we do this?
Well to answer that we need to first understand the different types of social comparison, why it’s so addictive and how to leverage this evolutionary algorithm to focus on aspiration over desperation.
He was born to Russian-Jewish immigrants in New York in 1919. His early years were shaped by curiosity and a determination to question the status quo.
I am of course talking about Leon Festinger, the man who became known as the father of social companion theory.
It seems self evident today but even just 50 years ago we had a very different understanding of human motivation and behavioural tendencies.
The Birth of Social Comparison Theory
Festinger formally introduced Social Comparison Theory in his 1954 paper, proposing that people have an innate drive to evaluate their opinions, abilities, and self-worth. In the absence of objective criteria, they turn to those around them for comparison.
This theory was a radical departure from behaviourism, suggesting that much of human behaviour is driven by subjective evaluations rather than external reinforcements.
His insights crystallised two key types of comparisons:
Upward Comparison: Measuring oneself against those perceived as superior, often inspiring motivation but also leading to feelings of inadequacy.
Downward Comparison: Comparing oneself to those seen as worse off, which can boost self-esteem but may also foster complacency.
We pay attention to what we can visibly measure.
That's why follower and subscriber counts are so addictive, because it’s so easily measurable.
Even though we know that it doesn’t tell us anything about quality or depth we still pay attention to these markers of social status.
Measuring the quality or value of a relationship is much more complex and nuanced which is why we don’t latch on to that.
Even if you try to focus on relationships in the online space you will automatically attach numbers to it.
“I had one meaningful conversation today”. “I reached out to two people in the DM’s”.
This is just how our brains are wired.
The Evolution of Social Comparison Theory
In the decades following Festinger’s work, Social Comparison Theory underwent significant development.
In the late 20th century, researchers like Buunk and Gibbons explored its application to health, particularly how patients compared their conditions to others.
Yet, it is the 21st century that has truly tested the limits of Festinger’s ideas.
With the advent of social media, reality TV, and consumerism, the act of comparing oneself to others has become not only ubiquitous but also inescapable.
1. Social Media: The Amplification of Upward Comparisons
So it is now old news that social media is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it allows us to connect with audiences, showcase our skills, and find inspiration. On the other hand, it creates an endless stream of upward comparisons.
The polished, curated lives of influencers can make even the most talented creators question their worth.
Festinger’s theory reminds us that these comparisons are natural but not always productive.
So to use them as fuel for growth rather than as a source of despair it’s important to focus on your own unique voice and journey.
A solution that has worked well for me
A solution I have found is to actually reach out to these people and try to build a relationship with them.
Things are never what they seem and just getting to know the person behind the numbers is often enough to transform envy into inspiration.
You find out that they are doing a lot of things behind the scenes that you were not aware of and you also discover that they have similar feelings and emotions.
They are in essence just like you.
There’s nothing more enlightening than learning that someone who you have put on a pedestal is in fact experiencing the same emotions and feelings as you.
The great thing about substack is that it’s still new and fresh.
People are approachable here. Even those who have tens of thousands of subscribers.
If someone’s post about growth makes you feel uncomfortable reach out to them and ask what helped aide their progress.
2. Reality TV: Downward Comparisons as Entertainment
Reality TV thrives on downward comparisons. Shows like Keeping Up with the Kardashians or Love Island draw audiences by showcasing the drama, failures, and exaggerated lifestyles of others.
These spectacles reassure viewers about their own choices, while also fueling aspirations for wealth and fame.
The takeaway here is clear: audiences are drawn to relatability and imperfection.
As a beginner it is normal to think that in order to build authority you have to come across as an expert.
This couldn’t be further from the truth. A vulnerable failure builds more trust than a resounding success.
Why? Social comparison.
Think about it. Would you rather be around someone who always seems to be winning and never struggles? My guess is no. You can’t relate to that.
Sharing authentic struggles strengthens deeper connections.
How to turn envy into inspiration
Focus on your unique voice: Festinger’s theory highlights the risks of constant comparison. While it’s tempting to measure yourself against others, the most important benchmark is your own progress.
Leverage relatability: People connect with vulnerability and authenticity. Sharing your journey, including setbacks and failures, will create a loyal audience that sees you as more than just a polished brand.
Turn Envy into Inspiration: Upward comparisons can be painful, but they’re also a reminder of what’s possible. Use them as motivation to refine your craft and maintain consistency.
Limit Your Exposure: Social media algorithms are designed to keep you scrolling, often at the cost of your mental health. Be intentional about when and how you consume content, focusing on creation rather than comparison.
Inevitable but not debilitating
Leon Festinger’s Social Comparison Theory, conceived in an era long before smartphones and influencers, offers timeless wisdom for us in the digital age.
His work reminds us that while comparison is inevitable, it doesn’t have to be debilitating.
For those of us who want to create and share something the challenge is to balance inspiration with self-compassion, embracing the unique value we bring to the world.
After all, the greatest stories—yours included—aren’t written in someone else’s shadow. They’re carved out of courage, authenticity, and the unwavering belief that your voice matters.
Thank you for reading. If this resonated with you why not share it with someone you love.
P.s
Behind the scenes, I’m working on tools, systems and processes to help you build your writing rhythm, find your voice and grow your audience.
I’m learning and sharing as I go so this will be as fresh and cutting edge as it gets 😉.
Got ideas or feedback? Send me a message. I’d love to connect
I really like your tip about being mindful about what content you consume and "focus on creation rather than comparison."
What a growth-mindset way to approach reading content!
The article is spot on—social comparison is inevitable. But balance is key! We are all not created the same—just like a hand with long and short fingers, our differences make the world a more interesting place. Cheers.